Actually, nothing can or could, for long. To be down is a choice, a reaction to things. And I have been exposed to a lot that could bring me down. So what gives, with this weird statement this morning? I have no immediate, pressing issues as of this writing yet, come to think about it, I do- I have a distant one, which was referenced earlier in 'Expiration Date'.
Knowing that your job has a definite ending is ..... well, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. It's like waiting to go to the dentist, or in for an operation, for a YEAR. There's this low level anxiety rumbling like a subsonic hum through my being, just below hearing level, that I can sense. Yuk.
Given a choice to stay or go would be better but here there is no choice. When my present job ends the position will no longer exist, and I'm not yet able to retire, so there is this gap. I have to bridge that gap.
Can't really commit to a career when the distance between 'here' and 'there' is about five years so what is an elder worker to do? Start over and build? Ain't no reason to build.
There is a town in California called Dun Movin. I'm like that. I'm Dun Buildin'. What's the point, what's the use? But I might as well be shouting that on a mountaintop into a bitter cold uncaring wind for all the good that does me.
Life is odd. Despite all of your efforts to the contrary, you end up where you're supposed to end up, and that only makes sense to somebody whose life has been filled with frustration and illogic because if you have an easy life you take it for granted. You assume that the red carpet is always out for you and only question things if it is not. Oh, you might briefly wonder at times why things seem to go so well for you with so little effort because you read about or see people that are stuggling with stuff, but those thoughts dissipate as if they were puffy clouds viewed from under a shady tree in a dreamy meadow. However, when you get seriously rained on over and over, that's when you look for answers to the deeper questions because being constantly wet and cold is an ISSUE.
Frickin' frackin' rain! Again!
Photo- Jack Finnigan- Unsplash.com
While temporary discomforts will drive you to seek immediate shelter, anxiety will drive you to seek answers to the longer term questions. But in seeking answers and thinking that you find them sometimes you discover that you were wrong, or only partially right, and your quest might continue until you get to be my age and find yourself (again) facing an end to the road you're on with no recourse in sight and you get so g..damned frustrated that you start to laugh. Nothing is going to happen the way you want it to or in the time frame that you want and so you sit on a park bench or on the sofa and just be. You've done all the prep work and you are at the end of your action chain- you know, those steps that you think you have to make beforehand- and that's it. There's nothing more to do and nothing more that can be done. I call this 'being in the parking lot', because that is exactly what it feels like. While the rest of the world is off doing things somewhere, you're sitting in a parking lot waiting. Not that you couldn't drive somewhere, but there is no impetus to drive and you've learned by this point that without synchronicity, all your efforts are premature. Wasted.
It's synchronicity that I depend on now and that comes when it comes, and when it comes, I act. Never before but only in that or those exact moments. I operate by feel coupled with logic but the system I've developed is such a (when viewed from outside of this understanding) frightening, unstable, and uncertain one that 95% or more (perhaps I'm exaggerating here, but I think not) of the rest of the world's population wouldn't apply synchronicity as their operating system, no way.
If you're part of the 5%, welcome to my world. If you're not, you've probably stopped reading this a few paragraphs back anyway, thinking it was gibberish.
Whatever. Point is, I'm Dun Movin', Dun Thinkin', and Just Bein'.