I was listening to the radio a lot yesterday at work and this song from Steely Dan came up amongst many others. This song is rather special to me and I know a lot of young 'uns think it's simply an oldie but a goodie but I was around when it first got airplay and this song changed my life.
Now I know that that is a grandiose statement that might call for a little explanation so here goes:
At the time I was living on the East coast and not doing so well. That’s actually an understatement. I was doing poorly. Well, no, that's an understatement too. I wasn't on the verge of bankruptcy, I was bankrupt. I had less than $100 dollars to my name, and I think even that’s an understatement. I had far less than the kingly sum of a hundred bucks. Things were bad, man. Very bad.
I had two months prior lost my job and was down to pocket change, living day to day and scrounging for food even. I had hit the bottom and hit it hard. Events had conspired to place me, despite my best efforts, into a wretched set of circumstances from which I fervently sought relief. This couldn't be happening to me, but it was. I was broke. Dead broke.
I was directly facing one of my greatest fears. I was there, man. I was not yet homeless but I was damn close, close enough to smell homelessness’ awful B.O. and halitosis breath. And I was scared. "How can this be happening?" and a thousand other thoughts rumbled and tumbled constantly through my troubled mind. Seemed I was hallucinating, dissociating, and fantasizing simultaneously yet I was somehow still functioning.
Since losing my job I had desperately searched and found a lifeline, another job, but this one was even spottier than the spotty one that had placed me in my predicament in the first place! Like my prior one, it was subject to weather and availability of work and though I was available to work the place was frustrating as hell because half the time it rained or there was no work or limited work and my paychecks were so tiny as to just barely cover expenses, which had been whittled to the bone. Gas for the car, food for me, and just enough to pay the rent. Should my car break down, I would be totally screwed.
“…..Hey Nineteen, that’s ‘Retha Franklin…..”
Jon Ly- Unsplash.com
On this particular day, which was like many others I had faced, I had about five bucks to spend on food and not a penny more. Jeezus- five bucks worth of food was just enough to get me through a whole day! I had to tightly budget what little money I had because I had to get through the 'work' week calculating every expense in that manner. The other penalties for going over budget were much worse than the ones I would pay for going without food but I like food so it was hard. Hardest thing I've ever had to face.
Anyway, my world was in shambles and my prospects were dim but I had to get something to eat so I walked into a store of the local grocery chain, which was called Food Lion, with this black cloud of worry hanging over me. I grabbed a basket and started stalking the aisles looking for cheap grub and this new song came on over the store's speakers. It was nice. Different. Kind of soothing and bouncy. I really liked it. It lifted my spirts out of the gutter and I found that I was actually kind of grooving down the aisles of the Food Lion and then this thought hit me-
“THE WORLD HASN’T ENDED!”
"Huh? Whut!?"
I stopped dead in my tracks and looked around, as if to find evidence that verified that startling statement. People were casually pushing their shopping carts down the aisles, sashaying to the music. I could see that outside the store's windows the sky wasn't falling. I noticed I wasn't panicking, and that my breath was slow and measured. Nobody around me was agitated. The song had caused me to temporarily forget the pickle I was in. Outside of my thinking nothing upsetting was occurring.
This stopping of my thinking created an opening in my mind and into that opening rushed a cascade of refreshing, contrarian thoughts. I realized that I was still alive, that this was the worst it could get, and that 'losing everything' was really not that bad. Old concepts that I had been holding onto shattered and fell away from me like many heavy shards of glass. I felt reborn, renewed, and revitalized and left that Food Lion different than when I came in. I strode out of that store, giddy with happiness, ready to once again take on The World. I had nowhere to go but up!
My fear around being homeless vanished. I knew I'd find a way. I would rebuild! Life had thrown its worst at me and I had shrugged it off.
I was invincible and I knew it.