(I was just about to post this when a fierce winter storm arrived and knocked out the power at TOTD headquarters for two days. This gave me plenty of time to think about the strong wording I used in the title but, after two days of thinking about those words, they still stand appropriate).
Clicking the buttons on my remote any night of the week there they are- shows about food. Popular these days are contest shows, where a bunch of wannabe bakers, chefs ('creationists') are pitted against others in a bake or are tasked with making a dish out of random ingredients. To add a little more 'flavor', these contestants are put on a timer.
The other shows are perhaps spinoffs of Anthony Bourdain's shtick (bless his soul) where experienced taste-aristas travel the country or the globe and encounter......
......well, here is where there really can be no more words because we’re referring to tastes, textures, ‘mouth feel’, aromas, nuances, hints of this or that, strong umani flavors, hits of acid, bursts of heat, surprises of caramelized sweet and the like. The hosts, as Anthony did, sample already prepared foods and wander around in the kitchen some, go behind the scenes. Anthony was always on the lookout for more tastes and so are these latest fellows, Guy Fieri from Food Network’s ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives’ and Michael Symon from Cooking Channel’s ‘Burgers, Brew, & Que’. These two get access to the kitchen and while they might not be able to get the super secret spicing part of the equation, they get the rest. Equipment, ingredients, and technique.
I suppose this is to comfort those of us at home, so that we might try and put this stuff together ourselves but you know that's never gonna happen 'cuz spicing is key, the necessary ingredients might not be available, and the equipment and techniques they use in these restaurants might be beyond the capability of most people's humble kitchens. I know cooking at this level is beyond the capability of mine. I don't have a smoker, a well seasoned and understood-in-its-operation 'que pit, and many of the other things that these restaurants use.
So what am I left with when I watch these shows? Over and over, this- a grinning host opening his maw and chomping on something that looks to be very delicious and this from a taste-arista, a guy that's been around! I can only imagine what whatever he is eating tastes like but I probably, most likely, will go to my grave not knowing what that taste sensation is for he is there and I'm here watching it on TV!
And on the ‘Dish’ Network, no less.
Food is not something that can be experienced vicariously.
Sander Dalhuisen- Unsplash.com
What these shows ought to do for the millions of deprived viewers is put together a frickin' lottery or something where the lucky winners get to go to all these various cities and eat at these establishments otherwise what's the point? This type of programming, while insightful to determined copycat home cooks and inspiring to wannabe restauranteurs, serves mainly to torture the rest of us.
I like good food, oh yes I do. I know where to get the best Mexican and Indian food. I know where to source regional specialties. I like a certain Thai place, and go to another for Korean 'Que. But my list is short and so I run the usual circuit and make do with what is available, which ain't much, let me tell you. Amazingly, where I live there is no good Chinese food, which is puzzling, because even in Nowheresville America there is a good (or good enough) Chinese restaurant somewhere in town.
Back to the shows, I can watch SportsCenter and listen to how some basketball player is wanting to get traded to another team but is holding out for x millions more in 'salary' and not blink an eye. That doesn't affect me. I can read the news and be confronted with the most heinous, most scandalous things and simply shrug "Just another day". What I can’t do is watch these cooking shows because not being able to eat what these guys are eating is a crime, and should be viewed as such!
Would you do this to your dog? Would you hold in front of him a steaming hunk of delectable 'Que from some celebrated restaurant, then wolf it down while muttering "Yum yum yum! This tastes really, really good!”?
No! You wouldn’t do that to your dog. First of all, he would be dripping saliva all over the floor that you would have to clean up later and secondly he'd never ever forgive you for eating all of it and not giving him a little bit. Just look at his pleading-for-mercy eyes!
Last night I saw where this restaurant in Cleveland, which had started out making the usual ‘Que fare, had not long into its operation had a breakthrough menu moment. The clever chef didn't have an oven to bake with so he used a waffle iron to make what he named 'Macaroni and Cheese Waffles', which looked absolutely scrumptious, as was depicted by the host (Symon) making a heavenly smile upon gnawing on a corner of same, just released from the waffle iron. I, watching, was just numb. Not envious, not angry, not hurriedly booking a flight to Cleveland and frantically hailing a cab once I got there hustling to this restaurant passion driven crazed, because that would be just ridiculous. Only numb.
I'll probably never know what a Macaroni and Cheese Waffle tastes like, unless I 'just happen' to be in Cleveland and all the other logistical factors that would place me at said restaurant line up- the restaurant is still in its same location, is open, the waffles are still on the menu, and the team that knows how to cook them is still on the job.
“Enough!” I cried. I did what any sane person would do when their torture tolerance limit was reached. I switched the channel.
On BBC America they were playing a show called 'Frozen Planet'. How appropriate. I placed myself in the icy north and forgot all about food.
As the camera scanned a barren windswept wasteland, and the narrator described the day to day activities of the creatures there, I placed myself within that setting with great relief. There wasn’t a Diner, Drive-In, or Dive anywhere in sight.