"Winds from Hurricane Donald are expected to increase in intensity over the next 24 hours. It's too early to tell which track the storm will take but current models suggest a weakening trend. We'll know more as this storm moves closer to the U.S. mainland.
Meanwhile, a nationalist cold front is swooping across the central plains, sure to bring with it significant thunderstorm activity. Ahead of this front, sultry conditions will keep the eastern half of the nation scrambling for relief in pools and at water fountains.
Down in the the desert southwest, the arrival of the monsoon season slows construction of The Wall.
Oh- It isn't under construction yet?
Over in the west, wildfires have consumed all of California and are marching eastward towards the scrublands of Nevada. Interior department officials tell us that there are expected to be no containment efforts applied. You're on your own, heathens!
Looking northward, towards the Pacific Northwest, fire danger is high in the region. Locals there are begging for the return of cloudy and dismal weather.
We won't give the forecast for Alaska and Hawaii, but just assume it's cold in Alaska and hot in Hawaii.
Around the world, China is experiencing record levels of smog, due to heavy industrialization. Chairman Xi appeared on television last night to address the nation. "Continue to wear your surgical masks until the year 2122" he cautioned. "Your children's children, if they survive, will by then have achieved the glorious goal of making China the dominant world power."
India, looking over in that direction, has been experiencing severe flooding. Numerous villages have been affected. Oh well! Par for the course.
Saudi Arabia has been undergoing a cooling trend. Daily highs are only expected to hit the low 110's.
Europe is in the midst of a severe drought, perhaps brought on by haggling within the European Union over England's decision to Brexit. One theory, postulated by our team of experts, is that the unprecidented drought that England is experiencing could be symbolic of the isolationism the country is embracing.
And I just washed the car.
Layton Diamond- Unsplash.com
Crazy weather in Australia! How crazy? A dust storm enveloped Melbourne for three straight weeks. And in the dead of winter, yet.
Meanwhile over in South America, much has been going on. It has rained lots in the upper Amazon basin, but not so much on the Bolivian plateau. Need we say further? Okay, we will. We'll give you.....
....the forecast for tomorrow for Easter Island! Out there it will be 73 degrees, sunny, with winds from the south/southwest at 10-12 knots.
That's our global forecast! Let's take a necessary break for this message from the makers of Provilive. Thrive with Provilive!
Ok we're back. Sandy here will now give our millions of viewers insights into not only the reasons New England has Nor'easters, but also why the staff here at Weather Central wears such odd clothes. Sandy?
"Well, Dr. Ernstein, in answer to your second question, it was determined that the men here at Weather Central would dress themselves as either clones of Mr. Rodgers or as collegiate assistant football coaches. The women were instructed to find the least flattering dresses imaginable. There was a store we found, in Pennsylvania, on the edge of Amish country.....
Thanks for those insights, Sandy! Time to break for weather on the 9's!"