There's this girl, now a woman, that has vexed me for decades. I 'met' her in junior high and followed her (the original 'following') throughout high school but we never hooked up. I knew I had been with her in a past life the moment I saw her (but she wasn't able to remember and to that I remember thinking "How can you NOT?!") because for me it was such a powerful and unmistakable recognition.
Were we supposed to hook up? That is the million dollar question for the attraction I felt for her has never left, which is ridiculous, due to so much time having passed.
They say love is timeless and in this case it certainly appears to be so, but does or did she ever feel the same way towards me? Obviously not! Although hard to track, I have been able to ascertain her present domestic situation (It was a curiosity thing, my partner and I were idly surfing the net one day and we got a link through Classmates.com, which offered a free trial) and damn, a few links later, looky there! Ms. Low Internet Profile was on screen.
She was beautiful
Christian Holzinger- Unsplash.com
She was hard to recognize at first, her hair was radically different, age had taken a toll, and there had been (sad to say) a bit of weight gain. She was certainly not the lithe, slender, and utterly entrancing vixen that had graced my high school Algebra class and anywhere her princess self walked but enough data triangulation pointed to the fact that yes, it was indeed her. I won't say much about her present domestic situation but she appears to be happy enough. Hasn't done much with her life, from all indications, and so now I know.
I know that. But what if we would have gotten together? Who knows and it doesn't matter anyway but what I don't understand is why I have been dreaming about her for decades. I've moved on but whatever that potential relationship represented has not. I am haunted by what seems to represent a missed opportunity.
Fulfillment is the word that comes to mind, fulfillment of a contract, as in a life's journey together? Maybe we were supposed to get married? Have kids? That could be, but it doesn't feel even close to being right. There's more to our connection than that. A lot more.
I have dreams about her from time to time and it's always the same thing, the connection is almost made, it is tantalizingly near, but ach! No, not yet.
I don't know what would happen in the dream state if we ever were to connect, and I don't mean in a sexual way because it's much more than that, it portends a deeper connection, vast, one that is so beyond powerful it's almost scary.
I dreamed about her again last night. Same thing.
I guess there are worse ways to be haunted because dreams about her leave a very pleasant afterglow. I tell ya, there's a psychic residue that can't be described but it feels like this missed-in-the-physical-yet-continuous-and-unbroken-connection-in the-non-physical is 'meant to be' because I don't beckon her, she just shows up.
She's like a guide. She also serves as a reminder of something very profound.
Maybe I'll get an answer to this someday, but if I do, it might be one that cannot possibly be put into words.