Suffering a personal crisis that was peaking in intensity, I called the hotline. As always, they picked up on the very first ring.
"Heaven Helper Hotline. How may heaven help you?" came the always-pleasant voice.
"I need to talk to God"
I heard a sigh on the other end, something I had never heard before.
"I'm soooo sorry. God is not in today"
"Not in?!" I almost yelled into the phone, but quickly remembering that it wouldn't be good to piss off God or his staff, I meekly struggled to say "Can you tell me when he will be?". My shock was so great that I could only manage to think to say this.
"In 28 days. He's on vacation- his first one in ten thousand years"
"Okay, okay" I struggled to think. "Is Jesus in?"
"Yes- but...."
"But what?" I almost yelled into the phone again.. "He's not available?" I managed to say, then as soon as I said it, I almost kicked myself for saying something so stup.....
"That's right. He's struggling to fill God's shoes, but not even the number one son......"
"I get it. How about Moses? Or any other prophet? Apostles! I'll bet there's a few of those around! Any saints available? How about Joan Of Arc?"
"I think we can manage to get you through to somebody. There is a wait, however"
I pictured a massive heavenly call center, halos floating over cubicles as far as the eye could see, all of the hallowed ones within those glowing cubicles busy fielding calls.
"Would you mind holding?" came the ever-pleasant voice.
(What choice do I have?) "No, not at all"
There was a soft click and then the most wonderful Muzak came over the headset. I almost drifted off, as a matter of fact I must have, because when someone suddenly came on the other end of the line I was roused as if from dreamy sleep.
"Yeah? Can I help you?" came a brusque voice over the headset. What was this?
"Yes, I'm here" I stuttered. "Who are you?”
"St. frickin' Anthony! What does it matter? Now- what's your problem?"
I was aghast that the Heaven Helper Hotline would have this kind of individual on their staff. "Is there anybody else I can talk to?" I queried this, this person.
"Not unless you wanna wait"
"How long?"
"At our current rate of fielding questions, about two days"
I didn't want to wait that long. I needed answers right now.
"Okay. Here's my problem. I got up this morning and figured that I didn't know the purpose of my existence”.
Which way?
Yeshi Kangrang- Unsplash.com
“So? Join the party, pal!"
I brushed off his curt 'answer' and continued.
"It's something I've been wrestling with for years. And I've been able to deal with it for years. But sometimes...... .....I just can't get my mind off of it. Today I woke up and, with the midterms so close, I felt I had to find out. Because if things go the wrong way...."
"Speak no further, Bud. Whatever happens, it's all good"
"How can you say that? 'It's all good'? I don't think this country or my sanity is gonna make it another two years! That’s all you have to offer me?"
"Nobody here is gonna tell you anything different. We've been answering this question all day. People from the Left are about to jump off a bridge and people from the Right are stockpiling food and ammo. It ain't pretty what's happening out there, but it's all good"
“How is my undesired outcome gonna be good for me, or for the people I care about? God wouldn't tell me that!"
"The hell he wouldn't! He's the one who gave us this morning's script! He may be on vacation, but he still has his finger on things. “it's all gonna work out” he told us to say. “Love will prevail. It's the strongest force in The Universe. Everything comes back to the fold sooner or later. You'll see- or maybe not- but your kids will. Or maybe their kids...."
"No, no, no! It's all gonna end! The Left and the Right will never coexist in harmony! They're too far apart and are getting farther apart every day! They're gonna go to war on each other!"
"They already are”
"So- is God gonna send reinforcements, when one side or the other threatens to take over the whole country?”
"Please, calm down....."
"I won’t calm down! I feel worse than ever!"
"Go watch Seinfeld or something. Take your mind off of it"
If the light is green it doesn’t seem so bad
Braden Hopkins- Unsplash.com
"Are you kidding?!”
"Not at all! You guys have to learn to relax. You think God is gonna sit by and not intervene? When the time is right, well, actually before, because he's so far seeing, but from your perspective of 'when the time is right', he'll be there. Like Superman! Believe you me, were ordinary people able to turn the tide in their favor they would have long ago. Goes to show there's equal power here- sort of like a standoff. Doesn't take much to tip the scales, and God doesn't see the point in overworking any issue so he let's humans work on problems, sometimes for a long time, then he steps in and 'tink!' everything changes. He's a very good scale tipper"
"Which way?!"
"You'll find out. But remember- whichever way it goes... ....it's all good"
Before I could get another word of protest in, the 'saint' or whatever at the other end hung up. I tried to call back but got a busy signal. After about twenty nine more times I finally gave up.
So I took the guy's advice. I turned on Seinfeld and found I just had to laugh. Jerry and George were in some kind of trouble that had to do with ridiculously tight streetfront parking and then damn if Kramer didn't show up and somehow exacerbate the situation. Elaine had some weird issue with returning a sweater at a high end store- a sweater she bought but never wore- and….
….what was I thinking about? About twenty minutes ago?
Oh yeah- now I remember. I don't know what my existence means, and from the way things have gone- and are going- I might never will. Same for most everybody else. Maybe we're not supposed to know. We're not ready for it. In God's view, we’re Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine. Bumbling through life and overreacting to the twists and turns of it. It's just where we're at.
Things might seem dire to us, but they're not really, not yet, and there's a good chance they never will be. The maddening issues that vex us aren't going away. We've got to stay with them, in the present moment, and keep working the puzzle of life, meaning, and existence.